I sit here thinking how you’ve changed my life ever since I let you into my heart. We started off skeptical, at least for me. I’m always guarded, choosing not to believe fully when you said you love me. Being guarded made me feel like I’m in control of my own heart, I promised not to fall deep for you at that point of time. But that’s impossible. I grew so crazily comfortable with you, and in the longest of times – I’m happy. You make me happy. I wasn’t ready to let you go, the thought of letting you go after you head overseas killed me. That’s when I know – I fell deep for you.
I once thought I don’t deserve love, getting my heart broken dozens of times made me felt that way. But… the way you hold my hand, the way you look at me. Nobody has ever looked at me the way you do, and till now – you still look at me with the same, kind eyes, same slight smile. The look that slowly slips an “I love you” into my heart & warms me up. I remember the first time you brought my hand to your lips and gently kissed our ring on my finger. It was a random morning we met for brunch & walked around in the supermarket after. But that small gesture, remains one of the most vivid and loved moments of us for me. It may sound silly but it made feel like you’ve put ‘love in my hands’, close them tight with my fingers and then telling me that I’ll always have it by kissing my fingers. You still do that every time we meet, and it warms me up still, every single time. Even when I think of it right now.
My first approach to bad incidents is to run, especially regarding feelings/love/friends. I remember our first rough patch, a few months into our LDR. I was upset at you so I closed up, no matter how much you tried to pry me open I didn’t budge until a long time later. I love you but I just couldn’t face such things properly, I just couldn’t find the right words to explain enough. After a few rough patches, I told you not to give up on making me open up to you, to talk to you. And you never gave up on me. I know you love me very much then, because I’m not the easiest person to deal with when things go wrong. It hit me hard - during our roughest moment when you finally came back, remember that? It hit me hard because I hurt you with what I did. That was a huge wake up call for me, although it was not my intention, I know from then on that I never ever want to hurt you that way again. Because knowing that made my heart sank right down into my stomach and ached. I love you and I know you do too, because you’re always trying. I think through that period, I love you so much more. We are both imperfect, but we’ll always find a way.
I can be standing in front of you, no make up, no fancy clothes and in my bed hair. I can be lying across the bed, lips slightly parted, teeth gritting (or your favorite joke – my snores and loud snort) and waking up with eye booger. But you still call me cute. I tell you I’m heavy and yet you still grabbed me by the waist, kiss me hard, lift me up & twirl me around.
Have you noticed? Through this short year and a half I’ve let you completely in. My walls are completely down and I’m just standing there, bare and naked in front of you. You know all my insecurities, struggling thoughts for my family & certain friends. You’ve seen me cry hard, listen through my incoherent thoughts about self-loathe & messed up heart. You mend pieces of me together, slowly and slowly. You never once judged, you’re always there for me with open arms.
Thank you for giving me your love b. I sit here with tears welling up my eyes thinking of how blessed I am to have you. We really do share the ups and downs of our lives with each other and that’s incredibly precious. Thank you for always showering me with sunshine & holding me close during stormy times. Thank you for always trying & never giving up on me even when I’m such a PITA (hehe). Thank you for always believing in me when I don’t myself. But most importantly… thank you for always loving me with all your heart & always remind me that you do – be it via actions or words.
I love you very much. I can’t wait to see what life has in stored for both of us :’) the future may be uncertain, but we can always count on one thing – that the future has us in it together.
p.s. i know this is random but its 1.39am and i just have a lot of feelings hee. i love you b!!!!!!!!!!!!! two more days and my bed feels empty without you :(